It seems this particular virtue did not get the memo. He still shows up to parties in tow with his ward, clad in an embarrassing, bright red and orange, checkered ensemble that he hasn't been able to fit just right into since the '30s. He just wants to stand out. He did not watch enough movies to realize that by year 40--or even by year 30--he's well overstayed his welcome.
He saunters around the room, awkwardly distant from everyone around him, yet with an air of accomplishment. Of course he does; since his ward still wears his promise ring, he is totally not a slut—thank you, Jordin Sparks, for being such an easily irritable, defensive jackass and showing it with your rude comment at the MTV Video Music Awards. He looks down on those around him, not realizing in his naiveté that everyone else is looking down at his and his ward's inexperience. He is closed off from the world, apparently waiting for his protégé to find that one special person to open up to, after which this overprotective stain on the ego will expire from his ward, leaving them to live happily ever after.
Yes, friends, I am talking about Virginity. The silent killer. The one guys hide in their closets, and the one some women falsify and display until it’s time to take somebody home at the end of the night. This virtue spends his time hovering over his ward, protecting—or overprotecting—him or her from being taken advantage of by the evil, evil perils of exposure.
Though Virginity has been looked down upon in recent years as the mark of inexperience, he has his perks. For example, no virgin has ever been represented in that awful Valtrex commercial in which the male portion of a heterosexual couple proclaims proudly, “I have herpes. She doesn’t. And we’re trying to keep it that way.” Usually, you can rely on your virginity to keep you free from venereal diseases. We have all sat through horror movies disguised as sex education classes and been stabbed repeatedly in the optical organs with mesmerizing images of ordinarily frivolous infirmities that have festered over time. And if you haven’t, shame on you; it’s really a wonderful experience. Virginity actually provides amusement for his ward at these indoctrinating scare sessions when they can just watch the others ransack their brains, searching through the memories of their obviously numerous sexual partners to make sure that they did not acquire any symptoms of stage 4 syphilis.
Yes, Virginity has his perks. Virginity has been courted for years by churches all over America, from the excessive, right-winged evangelicals who preach not only against pregnancy out of wedlock, but against contraception and barriers in general, to parents who would rather believe that their children are still the same five-year-olds they became attached to sixteen years ago than sit them down and have “the talk”. Virginity certainly has his place. Virginity exists for that rare case female who—usually by choice—proudly professes her “purity” until marriage. Virginity lives also for that even rarer-case male who—either by choice or by default; either instance is acceptable—will wait for that special moment until he will let his Virginity go.
The preceding circumlocutory tools simply suggest that Virginity's biggest accomplishment is also his biggest flaw: his association with the virtue Purity. The naiveté and inexperience that gives Virginity and his followers—virgins—their bad name is synonymous with the lack of negative experience and the newness that defines his pride. And very often, it can be postulated that those who harass Virginity and his virgins for their relationship with Purity are just jealous of the “pure’s” accomplishments, and have therefore redefined what it means to be a venerable member of society with experience rather than adherence to innate purity. Of course, there would be little problem with Virginity if he had not chosen to integrate himself with such a massive portion of society; after all, who wants to be dirty? However, what makes this association so much more grievous is that Virginity has no right in his mainstream, Judeo-Christian American form to associate and necessarily compare himself with Purity.
Purity’s beauty shines like the sun from her large, discriminating eyes, and even through her disapproving scowls. Amazement never ceases to show itself within her marriage to Virginity. Mankind carelessly thrust Virginity against Purity’s bosom, and the couple begat children like Cleanliness, Recyclovirgin (the black sheep of the family; the second-chance child), Hivtest (the child through which Virginity and Purity acquire the most accountability for the family), and several others too obscure and meaningless to name. Purity has watched as countless cousins have integrated themselves into her family; every time the in-laws, Slut, Whore, Tramp, Trollop, and Nympho drop by for a visit, Purity retreats into the nearest corner. Sure, she remains visible, for how else will one be able to improperly mimic her discriminating eyes? However, their association seems invalid, and the people—especially in the Judeo-Christian culture—who ineptly forced Virginity and Purity together like a rectangular rod into a triangular slot may have seriously injured Purity.
Virginity married upwards. A Judeo-Christian culture that embraces the innate evil, impure nature of mankind also suggests that mankind is born with an innate Purity that is robbed from them, along with Virginity through experience. However, the same Judeo-Christian culture suggests that Purity is gained later on in life, even after years of experience, provided that the toxins gathered through the years are shed so that Purity can occupy a space.
I must disclaim again any idea that suggests any problem with Virginity, Purity, or Judeo-Christian roots. Even if there are problems, the focus is not on their livelihoods, but on their interactions. Purity and Virginity do not go well together, especially since Purity, when she is widowed from Virginity, is forced into obscurity and falsely accused of absence. Perhaps before the days of suffrage, Purity would have been lifeless without the care-taking nature of Virginity, but now Purity is more powerful and frankly, she can hold her own without being forced on Virginity. Unfortunately for him, he has not realized her new independence.
So now, Purity bides her time. Recyclovirgin, Cleanliness, and Hivtest will soon show their mother’s characteristics, rather than their father’s. She will no longer reside in the background of Virginity; she will have her own spotlight, and under the stage make-up, her disapproving scowl will become a slightly more welcoming smirk—the in-laws will still have to stay away. Not to say that Virginity will be dethroned entirely, of course. He can learn to live without relying so heavily on Purity. The churches, parents of pubescent children, the rare-case females, and the rarer-case males will continue to court Virginity for his usual tenure. He still serves a function in keeping venereal diseases away; he may not be the only person functional at the job, but let’s face it: he is the best. And he can ride that success for as long as he wants.
Just don’t forget: Purity is her own woman now.
